Mood Swing!

Darlene & Betsey

Someone I love and respect last week mentioned that I might be in denial about how sick I am. I would immediately DENY that I am in DENIAL. But I've been thinking about it .. It's so funny because I am like the Wiley Coyote of preparation .. and like Wiley, I seem to buy all my supplies at Acme. Without fail .. they fail.

I'm never really prepared for anything life dishes out, so maybe that's the lesson in this. Stop spending so much time getting "ready" for the next shoe to drop. Just enjoy the time without the dropping shoes. You think?

Yesterday, for just a few hours, I was really upset about my hair coming out. I knew (on some level) it was going to, but I harbored a secret hope that I would be one of those odd characters who gets to keep their hair all during chemo and beyond. Not gonna happen. All during the night I kept imagining waking to find all my hair on my pillow when I woke. That didn't happen either. It's coming out 15 strands at a time .. at least today it is.

When I look outside I know how the oak trees feel: cold, bare, naked, vulnerable. In the spring, when they leaf out I think I might be a little more jealous than awe-filled like I usually am in spring. But there will be another spring and I, too, will leaf out.

I am rambling. What I am trying to say is this: It's important for me that the Herschel blog be a brutally honest account of all I experience while on this path to healing. So that means I will post pictures, like yesterday, that graphically illustrate my sorrow, my fear, my pain. The thing is .. within a couple of hours I was better, laughing and enjoying a tiny piece of gooey butter cake and a glass of juice. I have reinvented, refined and exponentially magnified the term "Mood Swing". So don't worry about me too much, 'kay?

As for being in denial, I might be. I don't feel "sick". I'm not experiencing most of the known side effects of chemo (yet) and apart from being really, really tired all the time, I'm doing okay. This doesn't feel like "cancer" but Dave warns me that it could get a whole lot worse before it gets better. And I know that. But, you know what? I am done trying to 'get ready' for it. It's just a waste of time. Everyday is a new day and I'll just try my best to get through that one before I worry about the next one.

By the way, the picture is from Saturday. Dave and I, my son and his family visited some local friends who have a shooting range on their property. It was a beautiful day and my last opportunity to shoot my gun before the port is inserted on Wednesday. After that, and as long as it is in place, no more rifles for me. I loved being outside that day -- I've been a house mouse for weeks and it goes completely against my nature. I enjoyed our friend's hospitality and watching Jared and Dave play with their boy toys. It was a really good day. And twenty four hours later, I was completely distraught over my hair falling out. And twenty four hours after that, I am practicing with my scarves and contemplating getting "The Wig" out. It's just a journey .. and I'm taking it one day at a time. Life really does go on whether you have hair or not. Amazing, huh?