Saturday, June 2, 2012

Just checking in ..



Yesterday was an important anniversary for me.  It was one year ago yesterday that I had my final FAC treatment at MDA and rang the chemo bell!  It's hard to believe it's only been a year, and yet, the remainder of the year following chemo seemed to crawl by.  Though I was finished with six months of chemo, I still had three surgeries and six weeks of radiation therapy ahead of me.  Still, I knew that getting the yucky chemo behind me was a major accomplishment and I was a very happy girl.

So, here I am almost eight months past my last (and most extensive surgery) and my incision is still healing and changing. Due to the significant loss of tissue, it's not healing comfortably and there is a lot of "draw" and tension.  The plastic surgeon told me that there's nothing she can do for me regarding that at this point as I am too "healed".  I'm not concerned about the cosmetic issue, frankly, it looks better than I thought it would.  But it's uncomfortable and I have pain everyday.  It's not unbearable, just there.  My arm is still stiff and sore and I have numbness and pain (yes, together) in my armpit and behind my breast in my shoulder blade area.  Please note that I am not complaining about ANY of these issues.  I'm grateful to be here and be cancer-free, but I am noting all this for any of you who might be facing your own journey with breast cancer.  

Investigate "Sentinel Node Dissection" versus Axillary.  And ask LOTS of questions PRIOR to surgery about the route to take AFTER surgery.  Don't expect your surgeon to automatically offer you any options. My surgeon never indicated that I should see plastics after my third surgery.  In fact, it was my oncologist who suggested it to reduce the size and volume of my healthy breast to match my previously cancerous one.  I hadn't even considered it was an option.  I thought I would just be lop-sided the rest of my life.

Turns out that plastics not only reconstructs breasts after mastectomies or lumpectomies, they also provide surgery to give symmetry and balance to what's left.  Hm. How about that?  So now I am considering a possible breast reduction on "Ethel" in the fall.  I have never been afraid to have surgery .. but I can tell you that after my experience with MRSA, it's something I am giving great thought to.  And I go back and forth on the issue.  Is it silly and vain to want my breasts to be of relatively equal size and latitudes?  Poor Ethel is hovering down around the equator while chipper (though scarred) Fred is perky and firm.  Yes, I said "firm".  Seems that is a side effect of radiation. At first I thought it was cool to have at least one seventeen year old breast (at 54!) but as time has passed I realize that the firmness is tight and lumpy.  Sometimes my ribs are so sore they feel bruised.  Everything seems to have all grown together on that side. 

Okay, now I sound like I am whining.  Maybe I am.  While it's true that I am "cancer free" (and in the back of my mind I think "but for how long?") and have achieved a great deal of my stamina back, there are still days when I am so weak and tired it feels like I'm still a chemo head.  And speaking of chemo head - I still am one.  It surprises me still that my brain just doesn't "fire" like it used to.  In my pre-cancer days I could multi-task like a ninja.  Now I have trouble focusing on just ONE task and my ability to follow thru to completion has been woefully diminished.  In other words, some days .. I suck.  I get names wrong and can't remember things, lose things .. and it's not just 'aging'.  It's more DEVIOUS than just aging.

I continue to have at LEAST one doctor's appointment a month.  After having as many as six or ten in a month I shouldn't be too unhappy about that, right?  Well, here's the deal:  I consider myself "well" .. and apart from going to MDA to see my friends, I could really just leave it all behind. It's just a reminder that my life is not the same and will never be the same.  That's not to say it can't be GOOD .. it's just .. NOT THE SAME.

Tonight at midnight I'm on a moratorium of eating solids.  Only clear broth, Sprite and green or yellow Jello.  (WHO EATS GREEN OR YELLOW JELLO?)  Plus that huge jug of "pipe cleaner" that I have to drink.  We're headed to Houston tomorrow for an overnight and a lovely inspection of my intestines on Monday.  After that, I can't imagine what they will scan, x-ray, probe or investigate.  My intestines are about the last unexplored region of Planet Darlene.

And, if it was up to me, I'd just as soon they stayed that way ... 

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