Random craziness.

I watched a movie the other night when I couldn't sleep. I couldn't tell you the name of the movie or who was in it or what it was about. (So, then, why did I bring it up, you might ask.) There was one line in this movie that whopped me up beside the head: "There's no time to be chicken." (Celestial choir.) It was as if God Himself had spoken to me. THERE'S NO TIME TO BE CHICKEN.

There is .. NO TIME .. to be CHICKEN.

Man, I needed that. I have been spending way too much time lately being chicken. Here's the thing .. between the time you find there is something to be concerned about and the actual time you are told that a) there is a bonafide problem or b) everything is a-okay, there is this land of limbo. Your choices are to either rise above the fear, continue living as though as all is well OR allowing yourself to be swallowed up by the "what ifs" and becoming paralyzed by fear. I have been somewhere in between, dipping my big toe in the deep end of the "paralyzed with fear pool" from time to time.

The internet is a wonderful place. Many of my friends live inside my computer, I can "big brother" my kids on facebook and be sure they are happy, well and safe at home. I can follow my treatment at MDA by reading all my reports filed by my various docs, pathologists, radiologists and all the "ologists" who have their finger in the Darlene Pie. It's pretty amazing. Then, I can take that information and google anything I don't understand and feel almost like third year medical student. Almost.

The downside of researching all that stuff on the internet is that you can often scare the living crap out of yourself.  And armed with only the vaguest of pathology reports .. one has to question the wisdom of late night googling sessions.  In the dark.  With only you, your flimsy pretend medical degree and the  world-wide-worry-web. 

A week from today I will be at MDA enjoying the attention of a variety of skilled professionals  working with amazing technology to be sure that I am cancer free EVERYWHERE even in places I wish they wouldn't really look!  I'm sure everything will be fine.  There is no cause for alarm .. and there sure as heck isn't any TIME TO BE CHICKEN! 

Because .. it's time to go FISHIN'!

On a lighter, happier, less psychotic note I found out yesterday that I have been one of the lucky ladies selected to attend this spring's "Casting For Recovery" at Joshua Creek Ranch in Boerne.  I was an alternate and now I am GOING!  Since I have never fly fished and it's something I've always wanted to try, I am so excited.  I'll be learning to tie flies and practice casting with 13 other breast cancer survivors before we spend a day with guides learning the "Tao" of fly fishing and practicing catch & release.  It's such a great opportunity and I'm so grateful to all the sponsors that make this retreat possible! It's scheduled for April 13 - 15, right before my birthday! WOOHOO!

(I like fish way better than chicken, any way!)

Meanwhile, while waiting for the other shoe to drop

Breast Cancer Cell

Well I guess I've put this off as long as I can. I've had no interest in posting to the Herschel blog lately because I am just too danged busy being well. I went from December 27 to February 1 without any doctor or nurses appointments and the freedom of no impending doc visits made the idea of blood tests, miscellaneous scans and other diagnostic tools in the cancer doctor's magic bag of tricks just something I would rather not think about. For as long as it lasted, anyway.

I started walking again, first outside but then inside on the treadmill as the weather got more unpredictable and winter-like. At first I could walk only five or ten minutes at a pretty good clip. I have worked myself up to two or three fifteen minute sessions at least five days a week. More proof that I am well. (Yes, I'm still trying to convince myself. If I say it enough it's bound to be true, right?)

The truth is the pyschology of having had cancer has messed with my equilibrium lately more than the toxic cocktail of chemo meds ever did. Only now I wobble on the inside of my head going back and forth between the happy thoughts of being cancer free and the darker abyss of all the dreaded "what if's". What they say about ignorance being bliss is true. Now that I know what having cancer treatment feels like, and for the all the gratitude I feel to my family, legions of prayer warriors and medical team at MDA, I have NO desire to ever, ever go there again.

Still, I refuse to live in fear. I try not to let those ugly little scary thoughts take up too much of my time. But, at the same time, I want to be prepared ... just in case I ever have to hear those words again. "Honey, you have a cancer .."

But there is some valid cause for concern. In the forties, and up until the seventies in some countries, doctors were giving pregnant women who were at risk for miscarriage a drug called Diethylstilbestrol. My mother took this drug while pregnant with me. In the early seventies it was discovered that adolescent and young adult DES daughters were at risk for a specific and unusual type of vaginal and cervical cancer. Now they're learning that older DES daughters host a variety of reproductive issues and elevated cancer risks than in the general population. So on my first visit to the Cancer Prevention Building when I saw my new NP (nurse practitioner who has both a MS in nursing and a specialty) on 2/1, she was very thorough in her exam once she learned I was a DES daughter.

The good news is that two screening tests they performed came back normal. The probably-still-good-but-nerve-wracking news is that they want to perform a biopsy on my uterine tissue on 2/20 3/5*. I have an appointment three hours later to get the results so, at least, Hopefully, the worrisome, waiting part will be over quick. I'm forcing myself to be pleased that my medical team is being so thorough instead of allowing myself go into total freak out mode. (Well, at least I am trying ...)

*MDA changed my appointment for the uterine biopsy from 2/20 to 3/5 but there is no "after party" review scheduled so I guess I have to wait for results. No bueno.

Additionally, on 2/29 I am scheduled to have an ultrasound specific to my "girl parts" and another biopsy on some questionable tissue that has made itself evident in the last few months, also in the "girl" neighborhood. Look, I'm not embarrassed about this (okay, that's a lie, it is humiliating) but since I've drug you all on this cancer journey so far, you're not gonna abandon me NOW, just when it gets interesting, ARE YOU?

It's okay .. all you guys I used to drag around the playground (I'm so sorry for that!), rode bikes and played baseball with are excused. You don't have to go there. But for those of you who read this, whatEVER it is, to educate yourself and to keep up with my me, me, ME obsession, you'll be the almost-first-to-know if my girl parts continue to pass inspection.

God grant me the courage
to continue to flash my aging, naked bits and pieces
to complete strangers in white lab coats
all while hiding my big-assed fear behind
whatever funny remark I can rake up.
Please, God.