Darlene & Bert, 2.9.11Last week's chemo was a girl's day out. I can't remember the last time my sister-in-law and I had a day out together but clearly it's been far too long. Even a chemo day was fun with her along! I was anxious to share with her that this is 'no big deal' and we had a perfect day together.
Bert (aka "Roberta") has been in my life since I was eight years old. She and my brother started dating when they were 16 and married when I was 12. I can't remember a time when I couldn't depend on her for support, a laugh or a kick in the pants when I needed one. She was the second person I called when my mammogram clearly indicated I had a big problem.
This was No. 6 of 12 sessions in round one. It was effortless. My blood draws are getting easier now that I know who to ask for and the insertion of my port needle is painless. Chemo then merely becomes a plumbing issue when they hook up the bags of meds to the tubing inserted by the nurses at infusion therapy. We've got this thing DOWN.
Apart from the formidable fatigue (I've never felt this tired in my life!), the only side effects from chemo this week are joint aches that make me feel like I'm coming down with the flu, a little bit of insomnia and some change in taste with regard to food. Sometimes nothing tastes good. Despite that fact, the mean old scale says I gained a whooping 4.5 lbs. last week. THAT is just so wrong ..
It's been three weeks since Dave shaved my head. And since then, the only time I've left the house was to go to my weekly MDA appointments. But this week, me and my bald, hatted self went to the grocery store. And it was fine. I didn't see anyone run screaming from the produce section as I approached and frankly, I wasn't really paying any attention to how people looked at me. Maybe I have achieved some level of acceptance, finally.
Tomorrow is one of my all time favorite holidays. I love Valentine's Day and ordinarily I’d have bought or made cards and gifts weeks ago in preparation for this day when we share our love with those closest to us. I have two precious little girls and one precious little boy that I (were I myself) would have showered with silly heart shaped trinkets, toys and candies proclaiming to each how dear and special and loved they each are.
Not one for moderation, I’d also shower heart-shaped greetings on my big kids, Jared and his beloved Mikey and Ashley and her adored Prince Charming, Hooch. Dave would get the lion’s share of my red crepe-paper love fest and, if there were money enough, a special dinner or trip to some place where we could enjoy each other, remember how we came to be and express our gratitude for this love that came in mid-life.
But the truth is I’ve been so doggedly focused on myself the last three months that I almost forgot it was coming. There are no Valentines bought, no sugar cookies in the oven, no foil wrapped candies, no red plush toys … no nothing.
I’ve dropped the big Valentine’s Day ball big time.
Or have I?
Maybe (and this is a hard pill to swallow) I have just decided to shower myself with love. A nap. Another big glass of juice. A book and bed. The permission to be bald and not feel rotten about it.
So to all my loved ones please forgive this time of self absorption. Please don’t think that my obsession with my healing is any indication that my love for you is diminished or that my lack of thoughtfulness is proof of anything except that I desperately want to be well for you and for me .. So here’s to next year and 365 days of love until then.
No comments:
Post a Comment