Up until now Herschel has been this vague annoyance but after today I can no longer think of him as abstract. Today I see my oncologist who should have all the test results from the past two weeks of long days spent at M. D. Anderson. Today I will learn exactly what I'm facing.
I had a mini-meltdown tonight. It was in the privacy of my own bedroom while snug in Dave's arms and talking about what to expect. Since I've been blindsided a few times in life, (What? No! You too?) I usually try to prepare myself for worst case scenarios. Then, anything less than Armageddon is gravy. It's just how I operate. Know Your Enemy. So I have been reading cancer blogs.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
Tonight, I started enumerating to Dave all the things that could happen with chemo:
Well that went over well. Dave was having none of it!
He stopped me dead in my tracks. A little harshly, I might add.
Awkward pause.
So. I laid there, (still in his arms even though I didn't like him any more) and regrouped. Okay, you got me. I really felt sorry for myself. There. I said it.
He explained that I needed to stop doing that to myself. I tried to explain that I needed to know all the bad things that could happen.
He wouldn't let me go. And then I realized that was my biggest fear. Being let go of.
I've sensed some distance in some relationships and I understand that everybody has to do this their own, unique way. I can be sensitive to how uncomfortable this makes people. Especially me, with my annoying habit of unloading everything into word packages that should be marked with hazard labels.
I know this isn't fun.
Here we are on the brink of a New Year. One we all hope will be better than the last. Only I am pretty damn sure that mine won't be. (And last year wasn't all that great .. so ...)
On the other hand: up until now having cancer has been this weird, convoluted gift. Like getting a box of 5/16 Phillips head screws for your birthday. Only, the thing is .. what you really, really, really wanted was a box of 5/16 Phillips head screws!
Don't we all want to know we're loved and appreciated? Don't we all want to drink life a little more fully and soak up every bit of juicy? Isn't being alive to every sensation, vision, flavor, scent and sound delicious?
So far, that's what I've gotten out of this. The neatest things have happened to me. I've been showered with premium grade A, perfect, profound love. Please forgive me if I am just a little nervous about what comes next.
My fingernails suck but I don't want to lose them.
I would very much like to be skinny just once in my life .. but I'm not sure being sick is how I should attempt that.
So, yeah. It's all gotten a little real in the last twelve hours. The thing is, I know I am not alone. Even here in the dark (or rather the glow of my computer screen), writing (babbling) all this down for myself (sanity) just to get it out of my head (hornet's nest), I know I am dragging you all with me. I apologize for the bumps and sharp corners. Hopefully, I'll get better at this as time goes on. Meanwhile .. get yourself some knee pads and a good hockey goalie suit or something.
I don't want anybody to get hurt.
Ok, if you're up again at 4 in the morning and want to talk instead of write, call me. I'll start keeping my cell by your picture on my nightstand! Know that I have never loved you more, will do whatever you need and understand wherever you need to go...Going nowhere here!
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