An Unhealthy Attachment

Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there, momma, everywhere, daddy, daddy
Hair, flow it, show it
Long as God can grow, my hair!

My mother says I was born with a pony tail of dark brown hair. I guess that's when it started .. this fascination, this definition of me and hair. All my life, (except for a very brief "Sassoon" cut in my pre-teens and another "mommy" cut) I have had shoulder length or longer hair. I didn't give it much thought but it was the way my Daddy preferred me. He loved long hair. Then my kids came along and they loved me with long hair. Enter: David. Ditto. It's not like I even have GREAT hair .. but for some reason, it's an issue. And, being a pleaser, I've complied. So now that I am faced with losing it .. suddenly I am lost in an attempt to visualize myself without it. It won't be pretty.

The first day at M. D. Anderson was a roller coaster. I met with my medical oncologist, who will be my primary care physician, and I like her very much. Warm, listens well, clearly very capable, and has a sense of humor; I think I got lucky. Her initial assessment, prior to all my tests, was that I would have chemo one day a week for twelve weeks, followed by chemo once every three weeks for twelve weeks. Then perhaps a date with a surgeon, followed by a radiation rendezvous. But nothing is carved in stone. Everything is subject to change.

Monday, I had bloodwork (and I am participating in research, so extra was taken), a second diagnostic mammogram, chest x-ray and a bone scan. Tuesday, I had an ultrasound which confirmed the presence of enlarged lymph nodes in my left arm pit and *surprise!* a lump in my right breast in the exact place where Herschel is located in my left one. Both were biopsied. The swollen lymph node likely indicates their involvement, meaning Herschel is really wearing out his (un)welcome. And the lump (only about a centimenter) looks to be benign. We'll hope so. Enough of this already!

I was highly impressed with the efficiency of the staff, medical and support, and the organization of 'going through the process'. MDA is a well-oiled machine. I have nothing but superlatives to spew about my experience there last week. We now know that Herschel is "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, grade 2" which means he is growing at a mediocre rate of speed. Thankfully, at least he's not an over-achiever ..

The first few ladies I saw without scarves or blingy hats broke my heart and I had to work hard to blink back my tears. They were selfish tears cried purely out of my fear and grief about losing my own hair. It will happen.

I just hope that a big, fresh dose of sense of humor kicks in simultaneously. I plan to get a wig and to wear bright, splashy scarves and goofy, rhinestoney hats. And the HUGE brimmed straw hat I bought a couple of months ago will get a workout this summer.

We're home for a few days to celebrate a much abbreviated version of Christmas and then back to MDA for a very early morning CT scan appointment on Monday. Thursday brings another consult with my Onc and hopefully all my tests will be back. If so, then I can be "staged" which will indicate my prognosis. Once again, I ask for prayers and send mine of gratitude for you.